March is here

March is already here.  It is normally the month I get very excited for since Ava and I share the same birthday month.  But for the rest of my life it will be bittersweet.  Bittersweet since March is also the month my mom passed away.  March 16th marks one year and I’ve been dreading its arrival.

It doesn’t feel like a whole year has passed. If fact, it feels like it was just yesterday.  It feels like just yesterday I heard her voice, I touched her hand, I hugged her and laughed with her. It feels like just yesterday I talked to her on the phone and she asked me how the girls are doing. 

I don’t want it to be a year already because the longer time passes, the further away I feel from her, if that makes any sense.

I don’t think it’s true that time heals. I feel like I have lived with the same level of grief in my heart since that day we said our goodbyes. There are times when I'm feeling okay, and then the grief comes back with a vengeance the moment I hear someone talking to their mom or if I see something that reminds me of my mom.

My sister posted a quote about grief yesterday and it describes how I am feeling exactly, “Grief is forever. It doesn’t go away; it becomes part of you, step for step, breath for breath.” I never understood the gravity of that until I lost my mom.

This has been a hard year. Thankfully, I have my kids to distract my mind from missing her. They have saved me really. Without them to make me smile, laugh, and love, I would be curled up in bed and a heaping mess.

But I know mom wouldn’t want us to be sad as this anniversary is approaching so I will try to enjoy all the good things this month has to bring too.  My baby girl is turning 5 and I’m travelling out of the country for the first time. I will concentrate on the good and keep her close in my heart.

My family is coming in town for a special mass prepared for my mom. I will let myself break down and then I’ll pick myself up again like I’ve been doing for the past 12 months.

 

Dear mom,

                I hope you are watching over us all. We still need you. Your grandchildren are growing and learning new things. Lily is just as funny as ever. I know you’re laughing with us. Ava is practicing ballet and she loves to perform. Her first recital is in May and I know you’ll be there in spirit.  We miss you every second of every day. Please pray for us. We love you!