Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Three Years Without My Mom

In Asian culture we traditionally mourn someone for three years. March 16 will mark three years since my mom passed away. Three years or 100 years I think I will still be in this mourning period.

March will always be a bittersweet month for me. It's around this time that grief hits me the hardest. Although there is so much to celebrate being it my birthday month and Ava's I'm always reflecting on how my life changed forever three whole years ago. I can tell you everything about that whole weekend when my mom passed even though it was all a blur at the time.

Not only did my life change since then but I think it will alter my children's lives too. I worry about that because it could be so much better with my mom in their lives. She was such a great influence and presence in my life and only Ava and Lily had the fortune of experiencing even just an ounce of it. Levi and the new grandbaby will never know her love. And what if Ava and Lily forget since they were so small when she left us? These are the things that I think about often. How can I keep her memory alive? And strong enough for it to make an impact!

I think about all the things my mom has missed out on and how much I wish she could be apart of. My kids are growing up so quickly and she adored her grandkids so much that I hate she is missing out! It was just last weekend I cried about it. Sunday I would always take the kids to go see grandma. She would be in the kitchen cooking up something delicious and she'd be listening to some Vietnamese program on the t.v. She liked the cooking shows because she was always honing her craft. Man, if I could cook half has good as her. She would be smiling and laughing at the kids.

Three years... It seems like yesterday and it seems like a lifetime. I keep waiting for it to get easier somehow but no matter how my life goes on I'm struck with this enormous hole and gut wrenching sadness that comes in and out at different times and moments. I don't wish it upon anyone.

For those lucky enough to still have their parents in their lives--  Hug them often. Tell them how much you love them. Spend time with them and cherish those moments.

Dear Mom,
I can't believe I've managed these three years without you. There's so much to fill you in on! Can you believe Ava is turning 7 this year? I think of all the kids she misses you the most! I was talking about you in the car on Sunday and she stopped me. She said if I went on she was going to cry! My sweet girl. She's excited for her first slumber party in a couple of weeks. You would laugh because she is the pickiest eater ever like I was/am. I guess that's what I get, huh? She is so smart and sweet.  You would be so proud!

Let's talk about Lily! I think she had a special place in your heart from the beginning. She is so funny and craves attention. She isn't crying as often but I can tell she will give me the most grief when she's a teenager. Again, that's what I get, huh? She's clumsy, messy and can't sit still to save her life. Levi and her play so well- she loves to chase him and make him laugh! They are great together! Lily is a great student and I can't believe she will be in kindergarten next year! Lily is excited to have a baby sister!

I know you had something to do with that! You always saw me having four kids and I guess you're spot on! Baby girl will be arriving this summer and I wish you could meet her! I can't wait to see what she looks like because maybe she'll look like you! I know everyone says that about Lily, how she looks like you!

We took Levi to visit you at the cemetery recently and he kept smiling and pointing to your photo. Something tells me you and him were having a moment. He's such a sweet boy and I just know you'd love him so much! He knows the Vietnamese song you taught the girls about clapping your hands. When we sing it to him we think of you. He is walking all over the place and he has such a strong personality. He loves bath time and jumping on the bed. He likes to do things on his own and can be very stubborn too!

I'm hanging in there, mom. I would do anything to hear your voice again. I hope you visit me in my dreams again soon. I love you and miss you every day.

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