I'M NOT READY

I'm having a rough day. I've been trying to prepare myself for this one year anniversary of my mom's passing but I'm afraid I don't know how to prepare myself.


As the day creeps closer and closer I am a wreck. This morning all I could think about is how normal everything was this day last year. I had no clue what I would have to face the very next day.


I've been playing out exactly how the events of last year, that Friday, went. The whole weekend really. I have lost grandparents and that was hard. But I had no idea how broken I would feel losing my own parent. I thought I would have 20 years or more before I had to even think about that.


I knew my mom was sick for some time but I never prepared myself for losing her this soon or in such a sudden way.


I feel like no one understands the way I'm grieving because besides my siblings, because no one I know has lost someone that has had the type of relationship we had to our mom. She loved her family with every fiber in her body and we all felt it. She was our rock and all I ever wanted to do was be just like her.


It's so hard not being able to hear her voice. Her house will never smell the same and no food will ever taste so good. I miss making fun of her and talking about what good shopping deals we found. She always had some new piece of jewelry to show us! I miss her long nails that would run through my hair or scratching my back. I miss the notes she used to leave us that would end with OK.


Ugh.... I miss it all.


I'm torn because not only is this a hard time for me emotionally but it's also a joyous occasion because my Ava's birthday is during the same time. I go in between feeling depressed and guilty. How can you be broken and happy at the same time? Well, I'm case in point.


I've decided to take this one year anniversary off work for personal reflection. I want to let my mom know I'm missing her. I want to be able to cry at the drop of a hat.  I'm going to let myself break down. And after I've dried my tears and snotty nose, I'll pick myself back up. Like I've been trying to do for each day since I lost her.


Out of my grief and this whole experience I've learned things. I've learned to not take my loved ones for granted. I've learned that time is running out everyday to live life to the fullest. I've learn to let go of the bull shit. I've learned I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. And I've learned I have some really awesome friends and family that have supported me through this difficult year.


So I will apologize in advance for all the sappy posts and pictures you'll be seeing in the next several days. It's part of my therapy.


Thanks for putting up with me and this post.

The Big Fake Wedding Savannah

This past Thursday I attended the most unique bridal show in the form of a big fake wedding! The weather was less than desired but it didn't stop the vendors and the production team from The Big Fake Wedding. Everything was beautiful and even though they had to squeeze everything inside, the event was a success!

My friends, Hannah and Mandy, both brides-to-be had a blast. The event started off with a wedding ceremony which consisted of a real couple renewing their vows. As we were waiting we enjoyed a peach champagne sorbet float from Leopold's. It was such a treat!

Every little detail was so fun and it was great to meet all the vendors that put together the whole night! The reception was complete with a dj, dinner, and wedding cake! In the reception hall the vendor stations were set up and we were able to visit with all of them. Everyone was so nice and helpful!

I would recommend this type of bridal show to all brides. It is such a great idea and so much fun! The team was so sweet and I'm so happy I was able to attend. Below are some highlights from the event!

Be sure to check out The Big Fake Wedding for more details!

 Leopold's! 

The bride's grandfather missed the couple's first wedding so how special that he flew in from California to walk her down the aisle? So sweet! 

Mini Retreat: Hannah & Julia Take on Orlando!

I love a good girl's weekend. I love my kiddos and hubby but sometimes this momma needs a good "me-time" trip.

My friend Hannah was going to be in Orlando for work and it happened to be her birthday on Saturday. I wasn't going to let her spend her birthday by herself, so I tagged along and we made it a girl's weekend.

We did a little shopping on Friday and walked around Downtown Disney. We ate from food trucks and ended the night with a caramel apple for dessert!

On Saturday we woke up early and headed to Universal Studios/Island of Adventure. The forecast called for rain most of the day, but we put on our rain jackets and went for it. It turned out to be a great decision because we were the second people in line for the park, there were no lines and we were done with both parks by 12:30! That's got to be some kind of world record!

I think the rain is a great deterrent to most people wanting to spend their day at the park but it worked out so well for us.

I'm a huge nerd and I was most excited for Harry Potter World! I hadn't been back to the park since they opened up Diagon Alley and Hogwarts Express so that was pretty cool!

We ended the weekend with more shopping and dinner. It was such a great weekend! Here are a few highlights from our little getaway!

March is here

March is already here.  It is normally the month I get very excited for since Ava and I share the same birthday month.  But for the rest of my life it will be bittersweet.  Bittersweet since March is also the month my mom passed away.  March 16th marks one year and I’ve been dreading its arrival.

It doesn’t feel like a whole year has passed. If fact, it feels like it was just yesterday.  It feels like just yesterday I heard her voice, I touched her hand, I hugged her and laughed with her. It feels like just yesterday I talked to her on the phone and she asked me how the girls are doing. 

I don’t want it to be a year already because the longer time passes, the further away I feel from her, if that makes any sense.

I don’t think it’s true that time heals. I feel like I have lived with the same level of grief in my heart since that day we said our goodbyes. There are times when I'm feeling okay, and then the grief comes back with a vengeance the moment I hear someone talking to their mom or if I see something that reminds me of my mom.

My sister posted a quote about grief yesterday and it describes how I am feeling exactly, “Grief is forever. It doesn’t go away; it becomes part of you, step for step, breath for breath.” I never understood the gravity of that until I lost my mom.

This has been a hard year. Thankfully, I have my kids to distract my mind from missing her. They have saved me really. Without them to make me smile, laugh, and love, I would be curled up in bed and a heaping mess.

But I know mom wouldn’t want us to be sad as this anniversary is approaching so I will try to enjoy all the good things this month has to bring too.  My baby girl is turning 5 and I’m travelling out of the country for the first time. I will concentrate on the good and keep her close in my heart.

My family is coming in town for a special mass prepared for my mom. I will let myself break down and then I’ll pick myself up again like I’ve been doing for the past 12 months.

 

Dear mom,

                I hope you are watching over us all. We still need you. Your grandchildren are growing and learning new things. Lily is just as funny as ever. I know you’re laughing with us. Ava is practicing ballet and she loves to perform. Her first recital is in May and I know you’ll be there in spirit.  We miss you every second of every day. Please pray for us. We love you!